"THe longest journey is the journey inward"
-Dag Hammarskjöld
A YEAR IN REVIEW:
PART iii
If I had to describe my junior year in one word, it would be introspective. Aside from the relatively normal hustle and bustle of a year at the conservatory, nothing especially earth-shaking caused me to re-evaluate my life choices; nothing uprooted my world view, and at no point did I consciously think “I need to think about who I am and my place in the word.” However, I have come to realize that the true defining feature of this year was its relative lack of a defining feature. It was, for all intents and purposes, a lull that allowed me to gradually and unconsciously evaluate myself and who I want to be as an adult.
I have always been a bit introverted, but this year I had more “alone time” than probably at any other time in my life up to this point. I finally moved into an apartment with my own room (goodbye shared dorm rooms!) and my visits to my home in |
PC: Will Brenner, Adam Zeek, and JuJu Stojanovic
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Maryland grew less often and lengthy so that I could stay in Cincinnati for work. Amid this gradual distancing was a more obvious and dramatic separation from three of my closest friends, who either graduated, began lengthy school transfers/study tours, or began to co-op out of state for the remainder of their time at CCM. And while there is undoubtedly peace in being alone for me, I’ve had to work hard to stave off loneliness and form new friendships and connections with my peers. Aside from such efforts, I spent much of my down time thinking. I began writing a bit of poetry again, and scoured the internet for new music and their composers, which remain a non-stop soundtrack for me at almost all times nowadays. I also found myself more deeply impacted by stories – which also influenced the beginnings of my honors experience “Up Past Midnight.”
Speaking of which, that choreography experience was a sore spot for me beginning in November, when it was adjudicated and rejected as a part of the dance department’s student choreographer showcase. I struggled for a good two months over how to proceed forward with this experience and finally came to the decision that I would wait before attempting the choreography again,perhaps having it as a part of my senior year and with a new and more mature concept for my choreography. (or not... only time will tell) For now, I want any new choreography I create to reflect the new thought processes I have only just begun to discover within myself and to properly evaluate new sources of choreographic inspiration.
Looking forward into my senior year is both a frightening and exciting undertaking. The coming winter audition season will bring with it the whirlwind that is a ballet job search, and there is always a fear that is will not be fruitful. In light of this, for the upcoming year I have given myself a single, overarching goal – happiness. At times, now, I feel as if I’m in a small, dark, but secure bubble, and that there is a blinding bright world drifting beyond me, seen but not experienced. I want to find a way to travel between these spaces more freely; between my inner world and the worlds of those around me. Whether the avenue of this travel will be through choreography, interpersonal relationships, anything… I want to connect with the brightness that I know exists around me and lies just beyond reach.
Speaking of which, that choreography experience was a sore spot for me beginning in November, when it was adjudicated and rejected as a part of the dance department’s student choreographer showcase. I struggled for a good two months over how to proceed forward with this experience and finally came to the decision that I would wait before attempting the choreography again,perhaps having it as a part of my senior year and with a new and more mature concept for my choreography. (or not... only time will tell) For now, I want any new choreography I create to reflect the new thought processes I have only just begun to discover within myself and to properly evaluate new sources of choreographic inspiration.
Looking forward into my senior year is both a frightening and exciting undertaking. The coming winter audition season will bring with it the whirlwind that is a ballet job search, and there is always a fear that is will not be fruitful. In light of this, for the upcoming year I have given myself a single, overarching goal – happiness. At times, now, I feel as if I’m in a small, dark, but secure bubble, and that there is a blinding bright world drifting beyond me, seen but not experienced. I want to find a way to travel between these spaces more freely; between my inner world and the worlds of those around me. Whether the avenue of this travel will be through choreography, interpersonal relationships, anything… I want to connect with the brightness that I know exists around me and lies just beyond reach.